lovers and liars

2007-03-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

everything is so screwed.

the fucking team is screwed. and its as if i screwed them up with my own hands.

the fucking people around me screws my life,
or am i screwing things up myself.

my dearest mum and dad irritates me even more.
they don't care what i do good. they don't.

my fucking result sucks.
i feel fucking stupid even when i'm pretending i'm not.

the fucking class sucks.

the fucking world screws the life out of me.

i don't belong anywhere anymore.
fuck the whole team. and there's training tomorrow.

fuck, i think i screw things up the best.
the only thing i'm good at.

even holding the guitar with my hands now, means nothing,
i cant play a shit.

and when i'm bored and dying to talk to someone, just anyone, about anything,
the world hungs up on me.
this is how great my life is.

2007-03-20T04:11:00.000-07:00

i'm so confused, i admit.

can't believe i ended it off like this.
get over it chow. =/

all that craziness over eyecandy is just..
stupid.
i think i'm falling into something else that will kill.
but i need to get out of the hole now before it kills me.
this bloody cycle is tiring me out and i really don't want it.
i need to fucking study.

you know, everyone says they can live without being attached and all.
i would love to say it.
but no, don't you feel that sometimes you really need just one right person to be there
because the world makes you feel so lonely
and you just need one person to be with you in everything you do
somehow motivate you enough and all..
=/
i'm feeling it. but i want to be single and i want to learn to live with myself.

sigh. this brain of mine needs a wash.

2007-03-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

i want to talk. i need to talk.
rant. whatever.
and i don't know who to go to besides deb
that idiot must be sleeping.
she's been there especially since this year
and the only one i can talk to about everything.

fuck.
one side is pulling me away, to someone else.
the other is holding me back.
i think i've got split personality.

i cannot afford to get myself into anything now
yet i have to cause its the only way to get out.

i don't wanna be alone tonight,
someone stay up with me please

2007-03-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

how much does it take to have the greatest and bestest friend?

fuck. i ended up with those msges in my new phone.

i can't say i am okay, yet i can't say i am not.
those memories, like a movie, rewinds and playback again and again, blending in with music i listen to, i wish i could stop it.

i don't want to shove everything to the back of my head.
and then it gets triggered and i'll feel more pain..
i am learning to face it.
i couldn't stop thinking for the whole day, no matter how happy i was with whatever i was doing,
it hurts but i don't know. =/

this sucks.

2007-03-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

i am gonna cry it all out and by tomorrow i'll be good, hopefully.

today is the day.
i think god is trying to help.
after all that words you shot me with, it still doesnt change much.
i needed this long ago, thanks.
you're the one person i can't be friends with and i don't know why.
maybe its just you hating me, for everything i've done.
my mind's all filled with words and sentences here and there,
god if i don't make sense anymore, please help me.
i need to get through this, one last shot of pain.
shit i am lying again, i can predict how i'm gonna hurt for as long as this feeling stands.
from now, this love seems stagnant. i don't want, i want it to be gone cause its giving me too much torture.
i am wondering why i seem to stumble upon every word i say even though i know you don't know a thing.
still i say, you're the best i ever i had, though i've fallen the hardest.
i know even tomorrow, i'll still have words choked in me but its time those words means nothing,
its time saying it means one bit of pain gone.

i can't bear to dump my old phone away, even if i do, i can remember in everyway you loved me,
maybe its time to burn those letters away.

actually, i've been moving on, sub-consciously.
pick me up from here, someone.

i know its wrong, but its been the best way for me, yet the worst.
i'll just have to sacrifice one person in this world to make me feel better.
and yes, its selfish, but i don't care cause i know i deserve more than this.

i guess you'll never be here again
my utmost tragedy.

lord give her happy times in every moment of her life, please.

2007-03-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

i saw her looking at me and i looked back,
turned away and then she looked again,
i feel like i've known her.
strangely.

.
.
.

it feels wrong this way.
if it's gonna be a one night stand,
i'll never wanna see her again.

2007-03-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

i'm not saying its a huge deal or anything
but i was happy with myself for awhile..
getting third in both shotput and javelin,
first in discus,
i thought maybe my whole life aint about basketball only.

but that was what i THOUGHT.

i told my mummy and her first reaction was
:"not whole school against each other also."

yea, useless alright.

i have been quarelling with her almost everyday since that incident.
no, she's been shouting and nagging and scolding and putting me down
and i've been trying to shut up.

yuck. what is happening to my wonderful life

2007-03-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

i'm laughing at my own stupidity
to think that everything will be fine by deceiving myself

i hate it when you say that

you didn't even listen to me.

basketball is my life cause i can't do anything better than that
and thats how good i am.

i don't see a difference
he plays too, but you only know how to praise.
i'm wearing the "cca leader" badge but you don't care

mummy, you dont know i'm in pain.

2007-03-07T05:33:00.000-08:00

no no no no no no no no.
my heart's really too weak to take this.
talking to you hurts as much.
i seriously wonder if you're doing this on purpose or am i being stupid.
okay, i am stupid.

i can't take changes.
i hate them and i finally admit that i'm too stubborn to want to try to adapt to all these shithead changes.
i can listen to the same song for hours and days and i will still love them years later.
sadly, its the same when it comes to this.
some people think its being faithful, i think its stupid and dumb and foolish,
yet i am the one doing it.
i hate changes so much i can't move on.
its a slow torment i can't change,
so slow i'm dying faster inside
i am trying to hate you, but i can't
for a moment yesterday, i thought i was going to be stronger and it won't hurt anymore.
now this pain is triggered and i am hurting even more
i can't believe i'm still hurting.

fuck, i thought i was going to be fine.

if you ever read this by chance/miracle or whatever,
don't do this to me cause you're making it even harder.
i need you to be like everyone else.

2007-03-06T06:55:00.000-08:00

god the previous post was crap.

i think its been pretty alright.
even though it still hurts
i'm no longer that upset by it.

i seem to be more upset that usual even though there are happy things happening to me.
i swear studying kills me. i am so stressed that i can cry (thanks to f&n).
nevermind.
i don't know what you want. i tried to be happy and go wherever you want me to even when i am exhuasted.
i don't want to care anymore.
do whatever you want to me okay.

i know you don't care what is important to me
maybe when i bring home the medal it won't matter to you too.

2007-03-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

this feeling is taking my sanity away.

major fight with my dad. as in, literally fought.
he fucking pulled my shirt and wanted to punch me.
that disgusted me alot, but then again, maybe i disgusted him.
whatever it was, i wanted to runaway at that moment.
its alright, cried like anything, thought it'll be fine since they're dropping me and my brother at tp to get stuff.
no, my dear brother pissed me off so bad.
i am fucking mean, asked him not to follow me and i just walked away.
ahh. whatever, he should learn to be independant.

i had nowhere to go. tp bores me out.
i think the number of times i walked around tp central can bring me to town alredi.
i called like..so many people. obviously not to tell them right, just wanted people to accompany me. had no one to call initially and thats just pathetic.
i can't believe i called you. nvm. you didn't answer anyway. expected.
guess who accompanied me the whole night
dianne. that bitch. haha. i always call her that.
anyway, yea, she can be a great friend luh. thank god for her or i'll be somewhere else doing don't know what.
i'm feeling so much better cause somehow she understands and says the things i want to hear,
the right things.

this is so damn sad. i don't have depression okay. =/
i am just..upset, which does not equates to depression.

i'm hating the way i sound here.
so..i don't know how to say.

i know no one can help me cause there's nothing left to do.
i want to do something about this and move on you know.
i just can't.
you're one i really can't get over.
its been so long, so long i shouldn't be here anymore
hopefully you still know i love you as much.
hopefully you're not as heartless as it seems like
hopefully i won't be a fool anymore.

what happened to the "always here for you"?
i don't feel like bothering anymore.

everybody loves me, but they all hate me.

2007-03-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

i couldn't stop laughing just now.
i think this is it. the only way, is to tire myself out hard enough
till i just want to laugh all that tiredness away
shoving my sorrows underneath these laughter

now you just had to push them away.
is it that hard for you to see
that i've been trying and trying
i want to study well
i want to do well in everything
i want to so stop stressing me
and all that i'm doing to make you happy, isnt it enough to show that i'm trying?
i wouldn't wear a fucking skirt if not for you
i wouldn't pretend if not for you
i wouldn't need to let it hurt this way if not for you
thanks for those words.

i miss you so much i don't know whart to say.

drink me drunk.

kill some memory

2007-02-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

gee. so what if you don't like me anymore,
i'm so glad you're fucking off my back.
i don't care, crazy bitch.

okay. that was mean. but i was in a rage. i stayed on this page for like..30 minutes before i came back. thank god or this post will be worse.

i don't know what i am thinking at all. no, i do know at times but still there are times half my soul is wandering. i think i have split personality.
i can feel so much, all different feelings and its scary to know.
i can't comprehend all that is happening, not just me but around me and i'm just stuck there watching.
i'm crazy to feel like this.
i am hoping its not real, cause i don't want it to be real.

freak. only i know what i am talking about.

was talking to deb about basketball. seriously i couldnt help tearing and all..
i really don't want to be the one bringing this cca down.
and its scary having to live up to expectations that i can't handle
and not disappointing jiaolian is another thing, perhaps the only thing thats keeping me holding for so long.
juniors make me wanna give up.
no seniors training.
training alone bores me out and makes me wonder what i am doing here.
i have to take o's too.
whatever mrs nics said did make sense.
but i DO NO care about netballers at all.
complacent shit.
right, i forgot, mrs nics said we're the complacent ones.
fuck. she is nice but that wasnt needed.
why don't she just be the coach. fancy making jiaolian watch netballers train and she telling me she is VERY busy almost for the whole year.

i'm not making sense. why am i affected by this when no one bothers

i hate all that i'm saying cause i don't know what i am saying.
hah.

i think i'm too tired,
yet i can't sleep.
this exhaustion doesnt help.
and i'm losing my senses,
and i can't seem to say what i want to say inside.

woooo. insanity.

blue october - hate me

2007-02-26T07:02:00.000-08:00

i always hear the wrong things at the wrong time,
read the wrong things at the wrong time.

sadistic but it feels good knowing how someone feels the same way as me even if they are not close to me.

i've been in a bad mood lately.
you know, i am afraid i'll fall into depression for real.
i'm really stressed out by school shits,
with you haunting me everywhere i go.
i need a break.

seriously, i can't move on.
that kind of "you say you can and you will" thing never works. stupid way to decieve oneself.
i don't deserve it i know, but i don't mind it either.
everyone says the same thing and i'll still be stuck here.
cliche, but, you are the best and might be the last.
i'm scared to know anything or even wake up from my sleep.

does it ever bother you to leave me behind like this?
i know you don't know how it feels at all.
i'll tell you how.
the pain is unbearable you'd rather die.
i tried to hate you. all the "let go move on" ways never works.

shit, i miss you.

2007-02-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

this is taking far too long.
i wonder if its my stubborness that is killing me
or am i too weak to move on.
sinking in like this for so long is horrible.
no one can help me, neither can i help myself.
i can't believe how i can still remember everything
from the first sight till now.
i thought my memory was bad.
i've been driven mad.

mcr and evanesence makes me emo.
yuck. emokid.
and i think i am turning into a introverted freak, drawing and drawing nonstop whenever i can.
nevermind. atleast i look like i am listening in class.

i am so bored.

2007-02-23T06:29:00.000-08:00

god god god,
must you do this to me

i almost died of frsutration last night, its over the limit.
and i can't help but did some graffiti on my arm
a stroke of two won't kill since its just a scratch-like thing.

training sucked.
thank god jiaolian was around.
what kind of juniors do i have?
or have i not done my job?
i didn't think it was wrong to make them go for training after their hike.
i mean, since one of them made it even after her hike, why cant the rest?
mrs nics pissed me off more. so much for being a teacher in charge.

my left knee hurts like fuck.

i hate the one i see in the mirror everyday

2007-02-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

i'm here to boast.

i'm leading such a mundane life.
school bores me out like anything with weird people, weirder than you think.
i feel extremely normal for once.
oh perhaps i have always been. *grins*
great, the mass practice totally drilled those songs into my head..
not important since its not affecting my train of thoughts.

seriously, i don't understand, yet i do. hah
firstly, i don't feel a sign of happiness even with people making me feel like some star.
its funny don't you think so
i hardly know them, vice versa i suppose, yet they go around screaming upon seeing me. i don't like this.
its damn sad luh.
i don't care if there are one thousand people doing this because i only want one to love me and it'll be sufficient.
i mean, if you look at it this way, i pratically have no looks or whatsoever, especially with my unglamness in school.
and i am putting on weight by the seconds mind you.
i hate those teasing and stuff because i AM NOT interested.
and there are a few really lucky ones, going overboard.
damn, if you were not my friend's friend, i wouldn't even want to take anything from you.
its scary how you say you seriously like me.
don't kid yourself because you know its not true.
anyway, enough of boasting.

you know what,
i can't keep this anymore.
i hate myself.

something reminded me of the date
yea. its been two months or so.
too long baby
its the worst feeling to know you can't die
yet its so tormenting to stay
and you can't move out of this shit cycle.

2007-02-22T01:30:00.000-08:00

this is really reaching my limits
and i'm driving myself crazy.

it striked me all of a sudden, that there are no more matches, that training will be gone soon.
and,
i didn't bring the team to even win a match.
applause for me.
i am scared to leave things behind.
teachers are saying that i'm training too much
and that i should leave it to someone else to train and help the juniors.
i really can't just let someone else do it
i feel safer doing it myself, but i am neglecting my studies i know.
i don't know who can do it.

i am scared, cause i can just not bother
if it goes down, it'll be my fault.

wth am i talking about

all these thoughts are provoking me out of nowhere.
god, i am not even halfway through this phase
i need to be cause i know you dont care
i am still dreaming, alone.
this stinks.

i shld just do my work.

2007-02-20T06:44:00.000-08:00

i see people getting together.
it doesnt bother me.

but i am scared.
what if its you and before i get over this whole shit

i'll be doomed

2007-02-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

i sounded like some stupid kid ytd.

i think i'm gonna sound like a fool.

if it runs through your mind..

2007-02-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

i cried the moment i reached home.
i was upset about my mum not being there for my investiture and other stuffs.
no, i was really really upset.
nine yrs of my life in ij and i hardly got anything to be proud of.
and then now i do, my last yr in ij and no one turned up.
my matches too. seriously.
i know you apologized but it doesnt matter if you did because you turning up or not was more important.
i bet you didn't know.
its okay if you don't know how hard i'm trying to do something right.
you remind me every other time with all your scoldings, that i don't care about this family.
if i don't i wouldn't drag myself out of the house even when i am totally exhausted, just to spend time shopping or whatever with you.
i haven't been touching my homework because of this too.
i get all kinds of shit just cause i am much stronger (well, seems like it on the surface) than my brother. in fact, among my cousins too.
i just wanted to look happy when i am with you.
i think you make me do too many things.
things i am sure my brother can do, no, pamper him more for all i care.
oh do i sound noble? you all depend on me. everything.
from washing dishes to buying phones to bringing people to the doctor.
what man, i am only 16 and i have things to do.
its alright if you disregard my position in school, but i do have a responsiblity.
i'm not even the oldest here.

i never knew this will hurt.

its valentine's day God.

why today God?
i am really upset.
and how come it hurts so badly?

and then my efforts have gone to waste.
i was even more upset, since nothing went well..
i ate the chocolates in the end, the worst tasting one ever.
someone asked how long more am i going to be like this
i don't fucking know.
i know you might not care at all,
i know i might never run through your thoughts,
i know i'll keep hurting,
i know this is stupid..
but i can't help it.
its really cruel God.

this is so tormenting and exhuasting i just want to sleep and forget the world.

2007-02-13T05:27:00.000-08:00

great, my eyecandy has a boyfriend, i think.
hahaha. whats that gotta do with me anyway

student leader's investiture tomorrow
its not a big deal or anything but i just want my mum to go..
but, i doubt she is going.
i asked her like a million times already.
i must be fucking dreaming too much.

anyway, i am so stupid =/

i kept seeing cherine like everywhere.
we live like a few blocks away but we never ever meet each other around our estate.
she didnt say i am stupid but she said i am chi qin until she cannot take it. =/
issit that bad. okay, apparently it is since i am hurting and not feeling better that way.
i am frustrated, very, and its getting worse everday.
anyone cross that line and i'll go fuck and all. RAH. whats wrong with me.

and then crazy people around me makes me madder.
prank calls and taking pictures?
blind or blind?
even you said you were blind, i bet you are so happy now that your not.
RAH.

2007-02-10T05:16:00.000-08:00

i just don't understand. i am really pissed with myself firstly.
i can't help but admit i'll never be good enough in whatever i do.

bitch. fuck. freak. damn.
rahh. like it helps. -.-

so the match against stc was just..ugh.
i think i am really the worst captain ever, to not be able to help my teammates gain confidence, not bringing them close enough, allowing others to be scared of me till they just don't wanna bond with me..
my skills aren't even there at all..
i wanted to win, atleast that match. it felt like no one wanted to win.
i felt really..helpless AGAIN.
but anyway, i was on the roll..almost EVERY shots went in.
i am shocked because my 3pointer went in too.
but all that doesnt matter because we lost.
and during that whole match, there were times we tied with them.
fuck.
i can still remember jiaolian repeating :"we can win this match okay." and "you cannot lose to them."
she is the best coach ever.
she never shouts at us, demoralise us or punish us.
seriously, i failed as a player, captain.

and here comes the best part, i couldn't stop crying after the match.
it was so embarrassing when tyanne, bet, celine and huda had to barge into the toilet's cubicle cause..i cried so much i think i was gonna die. hah.
that was bad enough.
then, i felt as though i couldn't face anyone.
met rachel and her classmates after scrolling through my whole phone book.
yes, i am damn loserfied, i had no one to call, no one i could cry to.
i don't know. i am so stressed up with life.
my responsiblilty is just so huge for me. (probably cause i am too small)
i had to pretend so much, when i had to meet my brother and cousin.
and i don't get why i am made to choose the clothes for my brother when he is the one buying it.
don't they ever get it?
i couldn't bring myself to talk about the match to my mum.
she heard me crying and all.
blah. i cried cause it felt really bad.
anyway, she cares if my brother is good in basketball, or anything else.
she got so excited hearing that my brother was going for a competition.
she almost made her way down.
hah. what a joke, why am i even bothering

i am so..happy.

somehow i believe deceiving is the best way.

2007-02-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

great.

guesss what, my mum was so excited to go watch my brother play ball.
some match thing..when he didnt even ask.
i have to ask, and no, they didn't turn up.

they never will.

=(

she only know how my brother improved and how good he is.

rah. forget it, not like i am good or anything.
i never am.

2007-02-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

dang. i think i let my secret out. okay, i did, to someone i will never tell such thing to.
but then again, i guess it won't do much harm if it'll help me get over this fucking thing, or atleast, pretend to.
self deceiving helps at times i suppose.
even though this is supposedly a private blog or something, no, i won't say it out loud cause its scary.
what if i really do and hurt myself all over.

seriously, you're like some superwoman.
you got me all fucked up with myself,
and now, i am so afraid to take another step.
but its all good in a way huh, i'll learn from it.
nobody's fault anyway.

i think i need a dose of anti-depressant pill and self-obsessesed pill.
if only i love myself MORE. pui.
seriously, i am depressed like half the time now and its not a very nice thing you know.
=/

okay, no emo kiddo. i am going to do my f&n.
and guess what, it makes me more depressed. hahah.

2007-01-31T07:27:00.000-08:00

why am i always reflecting on stuff but whenever night time comes i lose it?
=/

i'm so lousy.
anyway, let me talk about MY school life and about this conversation i had with A which triggered my thoughts.

so i've been just a little traumatized by PEOPLE.
poeple confessing their so called love for me in a pretty strange way, making me feel ugh whenever i see her.
well, its alright. i'm good at pretending and she's just too weird for me to bother. fuck i am so mean.
AND, another FREAKY person confessing her love for me to someone else.
omg. i tell you, its ronghua. FREAK OUT NOT. cause i am freaked out.
to think that i thought all her "disturbing" me was just for fun.
and i have been sitting with her happily during maths.
alright. ALL that is bad. because all these people are just purely desperate or blinded by i don't know what.
THEN, i heard there are people who joined bball with no bit of passion.
cause of me. HAHAH. i burst out laughing.
and its scarier CAUSE ITS MY FRIEND'S SISTER.
omg. tell me why i am freaked out so bad.
cause i dont know what they see in me. i got freaking no looks no nothing la.
AND its sad cause they don't even know me.
its just funny.

right, school is still as boring.

everyone's talking bout valentine's day.
i've got no date la.
but i've got student's leader investiture. (sp?)
nvm. i realised that particular date never meant anything to me.
just people giving chocolates and stuff.
-.-

okay. so, about the conversation with A. i shall not state her name cause i dont feel like.
we were just talking, about B. hah.
how she is such a *^$&&(U()!# but people still love her.
we weren't bitching, just stating facts.

so i thought it was really unfair.
because look, i don't treat people the way B does.
B treats people like fuck la okay.
and i couldn't help comparing myself with her.
i don't understand why people, despite the way she treats them, still cling on to her like anything.
i've seen it like a few times and stuff..
and look at me, i have NEVER done anything as bad as she did to people but seeee, you just left me like that.
wtf okay.
i didnt even know what i did wrong, so wrong that you had to leave.
blah.
i fucking swear if you have to compare me and B, as a HUMAN, not just with her fucking looks,
i think i can beat her face down with my character.
NOT LIKE ITS VERY NICE OR WHATEVER, but atleast my conscience is clear and all yes.
looks i fail la but still.
anyway i can find people better looking than her with better personality.

OKAY ENOUGH.
i can't believe all that i've said but okay, i think its high time i make myself feel better a little.
yay.

i wanna skip schoooooool tml.
like wtf, there's pe.
and i still cant freaking BREATHE.

2007-01-30T07:11:00.000-08:00

rah.
after listening to tjl's talk..
i think i'm really on the wrong track.

i'm not even over the griefing part.

i need to think it through, no more letting my heart take control.

i'm so tired i think im gonna die.

2007-01-29T06:36:00.000-08:00

shit, i'm such an asshole who cries more than anything.

i couldn't stop drying when i spoke to them.
i felt so much of..helplessness, get me?
and, i felt like such a loser. i still am.
i think i am the worst captain ever.
i am not just stating down whatever i feel like to bring myself down but its a fact.

what the fuck, see, i just got a fucking huge scolding again.
freak.
and i cant find a lighter in my house. haha, im not gonna smoke la, just looking for lighter for fun.

i think i can go mad in class also.
when lessons get so boring i've got nothing to think about,
leaving me with thoughts of you, that drives me crazy.

rah.

i bet you thought i'll never read those.
i did and seriously, stop wasting your time cause i tried.
and i think there are people who tried.

2007-01-28T07:12:00.000-08:00

sad to say, i need to take a break from the stress i get from studies.
and every now and then when i'm free, jamming by myself.
i'm hugging my dearest guitar almost all the time.

great, just when i want to make myself feel just that fucking bit better,
my oh-so-lovely mother just had to make things worse.
what the fuck okay.

alright.
i really don't understand myself, neither do i understand what i am doing.
i'm really such a fool, especially during the night when my thoughts, they kill.
so i typed some freaking six pages long msg and sent it to you.
rah. when will i ever stop making things worse.
i don't know if it was a good or bad thing that you didn't reply.
i don't know what i was thinking while that msg was being sent.
but then again, i was just going mad, literally.
freak, i hope i didn't spoil anything.

you know, sometimes i wish i can learn from you,
how never to let my emotions overtake me.

everything is taking place inside,
spinning and driving me crazy,
haunting me everywhere i go and whatever i do.
and really, i am reminded of you everywhere i go.
its eating me up from inside so no one can see how fucking pain it is.
fuck, why won't you just leave me
and i dont know whats becoming of me

you make me realise how much i can hate myself.

i can't help crying every now and then
laugh at me, laugh.

i wish money can just drop down from the sky
i feel bad for being the huge money spender here
and then leave that meagre amount of money for my parents to survive on
wtf okay.
i really hate every single thing that is happening in my life

getting all fucked up in the oh-so-fucking-screwed class,
trying to fight with those thoughts that are killing me,
getting scoldings all the time..

and to think i could count on trainings and all..
wtf, did i ruin the whole team with my bare hands? i wonder.
i don't know how i'm gonna talk to them tomorrow,
that scares me out cause i don't want to know what they have to say.

just kill me please, i beg.

2007-01-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

my randomness to go for a jog right after i got home
feel calmer now. heh.
lucky me got home (after jogging) 30 seconds earlier than my parents.

today was just..so bad.

see how fucking screwed the class is?
they make me hate school dude.

lets move on to the highlight of the day.
match against yuying.
we lost. seriously, if i were to talk about reality, there's not way we can get into the next round.
i was dying to get to the toilet.
freaking hid myself in the cubicle and cried my heart out.
fucking chest was so pain i couldnt stop crying.
got hit right there twice and throughout the whole match i wanted to cry.
rah. it never felt so bad before.
i had to pretend, on the other hand.
i seemed to be the only one who got so upset.
the last person i ever wanna disappoint was jiaolian.
but obviously she was disappointed
i wanted her to scold me but no she didnt, felt worse.

had dinner with bballers.
not even half of them came with us.
i dont know, its so fucking hard to even get them to have dinner together,
how can we ever play well

for the first time, i can say i tried really hard.
no one listened, no one followed.
whats the point of training?
now its comfirmed that i fail, terribly as a captain.
no one listens.
its all fucking pretends.
i tried and tried.
seriously, if i am the only one who is dying to win, its redundant for anyone else to be in the team with me.
i really feel like giving it up cause i don't want to end up doing this alone.
i don't wanna keep pretending and pretending that i am fine.
cause i'm not.

i don't even dare to tell my mum.
nevermind, they'll never know how important it is.

i am mentally exhausted, extremely.

its sad how i don't know how to get everything outta me.
someone said something like "you'll die, very soon, if you have to go through things alone and talking yourself out, making sense out of nothing but yourself."
i think i will die very soon.

talk to me, you.

2007-01-25T05:26:00.000-08:00

rah. i bet they forgot bout my match.
=/

but i expected it anyway. pui.

nvm. im excited.

shit i think i won't pay attention in class tml..
rah. =/

walao, what kind of feeling is this
i think i miss you too much.

no cannot.

2007-01-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

shoot me now, someone.

to think i tried to be nice, hoping there will be peace in class.
no.
fucking bitches.
i don't understand what turned you into such a bitch, but maybe cause its your natural hidden talent.
AH FUCKERS.

training was cool since i was the coach for the day
hahaha. i finally manage to find time to plan the whole training out.
i hope they learnt something.

i was in such a bad mood just now.
=/ if only i know how to stop thinking and get over things faster.

yuck i hate how i am going crazy inside.

two more days to match.
there's just something missing, i can't seem to firgure it out.
and omg, if we lose the first match, its gone.
AHHH.
i'm not scared, like finally.
just that, i hate disappointments.

dang
i wanna sleep.
i need to sleeep. goodnights.

2007-01-23T07:20:00.000-08:00

i was crapping just now.
but i am really a fat shit now.

i am such a fool i tell you.
i am happy. finally. okay, momentarily only.
but its because of you again.
wth.

i'm glad you're getting on fine with your life.

its so bad words can hardly speak

2007-01-23T05:37:00.000-08:00

fuck please.

i'm really damn fat now.

but i cant stop eating cause i'm so stressed.

rah.

2007-01-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

did it ever cross your mind that it hurts me?
did it ever hurt you to leave?
did it ever hurt you to know i'm bleeding?
did it ever hurt you when you think of me?
did it ever cross your mind our memories?
do you even care?

i couldn't stop thinking about my relationships with people.
strange but yes, i do reflect okay.
today, it triggered my thoughts more.
example..
i shouted at one of the juniors..i mean, thats very normal. someone has to play the bad guy role and obviously its me.
first time in my whole life i shouted till someone cried. thats not the point.
someone came up to me and told me to not shout at her cause her grandfather passed away.
alright. my thought was : how am i suppose to know whose relative passed away or whatever right? its a little ridiculous to say.
am i suppose to go round asking and all?
no. obvious.
but then i thought about it and realise how i am nowhere new a good captain.
but then again, all these while the only thing i know i have is being responsible..
which can't make me anywhere a good captain.

then, crystal fong wants to come back.
gross. BUT i let her in.
maybe i should be more broad-minded.
it will do me good, and she'll be given a chance to prove us wrong.
enough about her.
i know its mean but the thought of her gross me out.

i really hope my parents will come and watch.
but no, they just can't spare an hr for me.
nvm, i better not embarrass myself.

shits, my mum is becoming more naggy than i thought.
its not even nag, shouting man.
i hate..

it feels terrible when people ask.
it feels worse when those thoughts spin inside
and worst, when you're the only one left to think about everything when she's over it,
never ever thinking about you.

this is so depressing.
fucking depressing.

i'm with you

2007-01-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

i can't wait for that freaking infection on my eye to go away cause i don't want any op.
minor op but i hate them.

so yes, i'm scared to bits bout the match on friday.
my fighting spirit is half gone upon hearing the sc coach saying that yuying is almost their standard.
but no, i haven't told anyone just yet.
gees, to think i was all excited to play.
its like..4 matches to decide whether we're in.
ahhhhh

i wanna scream. but i just realise i can't.
i can shout though.
haha.

i'm losing grip of myself.
i'm going crazy inside.
RAH.

no, i have to be normal.

=(

2007-01-21T00:43:00.000-08:00

i'm so tired of doing this everyday.
i'm so sick of feeling this way every fucking day of my life.

=(

but i can't help it.

rahhh.

pain ah.

i can't imagine being with anyone else

2007-01-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

i can't.

sometimes there is a limit
one bit, i'll be gone.

its okay if you don't understand me,
but don't misunderstand me that way.

i haven't touch those letters and messages for quite sometime,
seeing it on my table for so long and not touching it..
i hope the next time i touch it, i won't feel anything.

and shit, i miss you, everyday.

2007-01-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

that post sucked.

but doesnt make much difference.

i am so tired (times 1 billion) but i can't sleep.

when am i ever gonna stop thinking of you..

i lost myself

2007-01-19T05:19:00.000-08:00

i broke down in front of myself.

the match sucked big time.
i was so afraid i gave up.
i hate myself so much thinking of it.
like all my teammates doing their best and i fucking gave up.
i wanted to cry so badly on court,
its as if my brain was not functioning and everything was just confusing
i couldnt even get up when i was hit by the face and all
its like the worst match ever. i lost my rationality,
i didnt even have that one bit of fighting spirit.

seriously. what am i doing as a captain i dont know.

i left alone and i ignored every single human being that spoke to me.
i can't even, as a captain, pull myself together. i'm like putting the team down and all.
i know. wtf. i dont wanna be the captain or anything cause i'm just someone who can lead during training.
on court. i really lost myself.
and it scares me.
i couldnt go home, i couldnt find anyone.
if i go home, i know i'll be considered a big loser again. i know what you're gonna say so i just had to stay away from home.

i couldnt find someone who would just walk with me quietly, making me feel better without a word, seeing me cry.

i couldnt call anyone at all
cause i know i am such a disappointment.
and the best part is, its just a fucking friendly match.
i don't wanna play anymore, i don't feel like playing cause the more i do, the more disppointments i make.
i wanted to bring the team far, so badly.
but now i can't even bring myself together.

fuck. one day chow, one day to cry all your hearts out.

tomorrow i better be okay.

i dont know what im talking about actually.

i can't turn away.

2007-01-18T07:39:00.000-08:00

i'm really feeling uptight about f&n.
and i doubt i'll ever get to sleep before till f&n is over.
you have no idea how fucking bad im feeling,
do you think i want to stay up the whole night facing the com just to do shit?
do you think i want to deprive myself of sleep and exhast myself till i am half dead?
i'm trying so hard to balance everything.
isnt that bit of time with you considered as what i've tried? atleast.
rah. can you just understand a little?
have you ever wondered why i never ever look stress in front of you?

blah

i don't know what i have become.

pardon my f-ing.

the only reason for so much of it is cause i have no where else to let them out.

i am so fucking stressed.

i can't let go

2007-01-17T06:47:00.000-08:00

you hold me back even without trying to.

i don't know what this is but it makes me cry every fucking night.
that kind of stress can kill me.
i was never this stress in my whole life.

i'm such a loner in school.

that doesnt matter.
i just don't like walking home alone.
its how sad.

i need entertainment 24 hrs a day so that i can try not to think.
but..strange cause i can't multitask, but i can think of many things that's just not relevant to what i'm doing.

6 sec ones joined us today.
fucking crap cause i hate their fucking attitude.
i know, sec ones only. BUT DON'T THEY HAVE THAT FUCKING BIT OF RESPECT OF SOME SORT TO US.
isn't it natural to like not shout at your senior?

chill.

but no, i can't. the fact that they're worse than weird and having criminal records makes me *$Y($#(U%.

yuck. they're like those wanna-try-so-hard-to-be-in-a-gang kind of people.
no wonder they associate with crystal fong.
another big fat thing who thinks she can come for training as and when she likes it.
man, you're huge but no, you're nothing.

okay.
this post is so damn mean and ruthless.

i think i'm just upset and all with myself..everything.. that i needed to let something out of my system.

i almost died realising that the first match is next friday. i can't even say that i am scared, but i AM scared.
the last person i want to disappoint is jiaolian.
she thinks we can make it.
i think we can. but with people missing here and there.,
with only 8 or nine players..
i don't know.

i was talking to twin and she's really nice to talk to. never knew cause i don't usually talk to her bout such stuff.
everyone thinks that i'm stupid. =/
i am not. i just can't get over you. =/

it is really the hardest and i'm clueless to why.
when i talk about you, my heart aches.
and its already how long..
if this goes on i'll go berserk.
i wonder if you ever think about me and how fucking bad i am suffering.
blah. but not even your fault.

i wish you can come next friday.
but you're the one who will never ever come.
cause you don't even wanna see me. =/

rah. if only you can watch every single match, i will win them for you.
i'm alredi half gone.

i am happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.

cause everything just comes out the wrong way

2007-01-16T06:20:00.000-08:00

its driving me to a delirious point.

its wrong even when i cry.

i am such a loser who fears almost everything.

do you want to know?..
i'm fucking scared for o's
i'm fucking scared to step on court cause i know i can't play up to expectations
i'm fucking scared cause i am just screwed up as a daughter
i'm fucking scared cause i can't just say i don't care, even if i do, i'm just lying
i'm fucking scared cause i can't do what i'm obliged to do
i'm fucking scared cause i am really exhausted
i'm fucking scared cause i don't know when this pain will go away
i'm fucking scared cause i don't know when i'll be ove
i'm fucking scared cause even in my dreams, this place never seem like a nicer place.
=/

stop running and running.

words don't even come out right.

what the fuck.

2007-01-15T08:13:00.000-08:00

w.h.y.d.o.t.h.e.i.r.f.u.c.k.i.n.g.s.c.r.e.w.e.d.l.i.f.e.g.e.t.b.e.t.t.e.r.w.h.i.l.e.m.i.n.e.i.s.j.u.s.t.m.o.r.e.f..u.c.k.e.d.u.p.

RAH.

so i spent the whole day stoning and trying not to fall asleep.
thinking of you at the same time, i meant, of how it used to be.

i hate the way i can't let go and move on.
i do.
maybe i just don't want to move, i don't know. =/

my idea of droppin f&n didn't really work.
mrs tan, mrs siau and even mrs chu think that i can do it.
i love the three of them alot luh, and i don't wanna disappoint them.
but i don't think i can. =/
i am dying with f&n now.
mrs chu compared me with sam. yea, i shoud be doing better since we're both bballers, taking f&n, going for competition..
the only difference is that i can never persist.
that suck.
whole lot.

my eyes. bish.

2007-01-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

its just something no one will understand.
no fucking human can make me feel any better.

i remembered how you used to understand.
i remembered how it used to be.

and now i'm left alone to know how it hurts.

i know how people say words like "i want to die" often.
i don't think they really want to.
but i do, so bad now.
you know, i just can't see any point of being here.
the obligations to live the way everyone does.
i don't want to.
i don't want to study, i fucking hate school.
it bores me out so bad.

2007-01-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

i thank god for giving me something else to feel screwed up about.

so now i've lost it all, to even play.
cause whats the point, when its like that.

i need see.

2007-01-13T08:01:00.000-08:00

=/
i didn't even dare to look into you eyes for more than a second.
woah, i didn't know i'll end up like this at all.

i hate the way you don't wanna see me at all.
i hate the way i miss everything.
i hate the way you speak,
i hate the way you move,
i hate the way you make my heart beat faster,
i hate the way seeing you makes me happier,
i hate the way i can't move when you're here,
i hate the way your smile makes my day,
i hate the way i fumble when you're here,
i hate the way your words still lingers,
i hate the way i can never lie,
i hate the way i can't hate you,
i hate the way you left.

it hurts to see you, in a way, but it hurts more, not to.

i miss seeing you almost every other day,
the only thing i lived for,
making everything right.
i miss how you loved having me around,
making me happier than ever.
i miss holding your hands,
knowing what heaven is like,
i miss you lying on my shoulder,
falling asleep together.
i miss holding you close,
as if the there was no one,
besides us.
i miss the best day that can't move from my memory,
as if the world stopped moving,
just for us.
i miss you so fucking much.
and i love you so fucking much i'll do anything you ask.

its sad how i haven't gotten over any part of it.

i'm crying over the slightest things.

but i really hate to be shouted at.
words can hurt.
it just didnt make sense, i was at wrong, but so were you.
i hate myself so much now no thanks to you.
if i didn't care, i wouldn't even be here.
must i say that i care every single day of my life so you'll know i do fucking care?
must i do everything you say even if it is unreasonable so you'll know i'm not rebellious?
to think that i tried even harder..
thinking that you'll all understand.
no you don't.

my studies sucks enough.
and i thought by going home i'll have time to make things better.
no i was wrong.

all three important parts of my life is screwed up for whatever fucking reasons.
please, spare me anymore stress.

2007-01-12T05:36:00.000-08:00

i swear i will fucking bring the team into the top four of our zone..

i will.

just one last time.

i'm hung up on you.

2007-01-10T06:20:00.000-08:00

i want to be stronger than this.

today was just bad.
so bad i almost want to walk away.
besides getting all the usual "wrong bra colour" and the "hair" thinggy from a few teachers, training was bad.
or maybe just for me.

was already on a really bad mood with my headache and i tried to be nice to the juniors.
well, the 8 rounds were alright till the stretching part..
ask them to count but they count and get softer. i think i could count louder than all of them.
kept repeating myself and all but they are like ugh.
did some attacking defending thing and well, leow had to piss me off abit.
and then juniors never listen at all so they do rubbish.
not so bad, till it rained. damn.
rained for awhile and it stopped.
did three point shooting. none went in okay. even the juniors did more shots than me.
fucking pissed with myself and some idiots just pissed me off even badly.
i don't know why i can't get the fucking respect.
something is wrong, with me perhaps. what the fuck is it?
never mind, since you will never fucking get into the team. yea, i'm that big a bitch okay.
its not like i want to talk bout you behind your back or anything, its over cause i tried to talk to you and you didnt care.
so..trng ended. kinda gave a lecture and wanted them to do push-ups but no, i changed my mind and just spoke to them..
they shld be grateful cause its been a yr and i am still nice and telling them the same mistake again.
i was talking..pausing..
rah. i almost cried, felt like crying even when doing the three point shooting.
i feel like a fool. really.
why do i cry so easily?

tell me someone feels the way i do.
there's no other way i can put it into words
and this feeling is just bringing my down.

stress, plus i really want to do something.
get somewhere.
somehow i know they can go far, but i dont think they see it.
how can i not stop the conflict around?
i want them to do well yet i can't fucking stop a conflict.

whyyy.

i'll do whatever it takes to salvage it, but i don't know how the hell i shld start and how i am gonna do it.

and i can't even do a bloody three pointer.
wtf chow wtf.

and school is fucking boring i hardly speak in class.

2007-01-09T05:13:00.000-08:00

huge sigh.
=/

felt really horrible.

talked to someone today
she makes hell lot of sense..
i know it is meant to make me stronger
but it hurts.
i know it is hard
but i have to try.
i figured everything out and maybe what she said was true.
but thats not what i want.
and i can't believe i still feel like crying when i talk about you.

=((

2007-01-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

i'm beginning to wonder, if i make sense anymore.

i'm not a sad kid
i'm not an emo kid
i'm not just any other human you find on the street..

i'm nothing.

useless stupid fool.
i officially suits the name.
ask me and i can give you five reason, atleast.

2007-01-06T10:48:00.000-08:00

man. i should get to sleep before i start doing strange things.

i feel stupid now.
and its official.

i sent like 7 msges to 3 people when i was "asleep".
i am so sure i wasn't sleep-sms-ing. hah.
i remembered msging but i dont remember the details until i read my sent messages like hrs later.
how embarrassing if i were to send some strange msg that has my deeep dark secret of some sort.
nevermind about that.
i sent like two freaking msg to you and it really screwed my life, atleast i think so.

btw, i've always felt as though i'm there, but not there.
get me?

and this is like the second time i send msges without knowing.

rahh.
i'm freaking myself out.

i hate this feeling. it gets me so fucked up that i rather die or something.
and when everyone goes "get over it. its over",
i feel like dying.
why the hell am i even feeling like that.
technically, i should be over it, or atleast, halfway through.
but the truth is i am still stuck at where i started.
i know i can't keep looking back
but i can't help it.
i feel so numb that this feeling took over me already.

what the fuck.

someone said that i should be over it since you can't even be bothered to care.
yea. true.
but its not helping.

rahh. what the fuck do i want
what in the world can make me feel better
i just want to stop feeling pain.

please.

i am strong enough to let it go now.
yes, i can.

i'm such a liar.

its for fools.

2007-01-04T01:06:00.000-08:00

i think i'm having insonmia.
i can't sleep at night.

and i had a really nice dream yesterday but i woke up for i don't know what.
i dreamt that you told me you miss me.
what a dream.
=/

freak. i took out the stick in the end.
stupid me got it infected and i didn't wanna take out
but i decided to cause its really red and whatever.
i'll pierce it again like soon.

hmm. i am contemplating whether to join javelin or shot put for their nationals since they asked us to help them.
i don't think anyone is interested except for me.
i need to learn something new, i can't ball my whole life away i know.
and i think it might help me since i'll get points and it nationals.
on the other hand, i don't know if i should cause of o's.
i feel stupid whenever it comes to studies.
and juniors' match are like during that period where i have to train and all.
spoke to mrs jaya and i still can't decide.
i think i'll just give the idea up.
yea, i only know how to ball. nothing else.
rah.

i'm super scared. second day of school only.
i don't see a purpose of going to school at all, besides training and balling.
the school is filled with ahlians and weird people.
i can't stand it.

i miss you so fucking much.

i miss liz and sheila.
how we used to meet up and talk bout everything.
now everyone's busy. =/

mich thought i was in denial cause i didn't wanna answer her.
yea. i just didn't want to talk about you.
i don't want to, you make me scared and make me go crazy.

it seems like everyone's gone.
=/

don't touch my weakness

2007-01-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

i feel really useless and weak.

i wish i knew how to move on and let go the fastest way.
i wish i knew how to save myself from getting hurt
i wish i knew how to be someone who knows everything.

i wish i could read minds.

whyyy, i don't usually wish like this.

i just can't stop thinking of you.
and you drive me crazy without doing anything.

wtf chow, wtf.

shit. i feel like puking whenever i eat something.
but i'm so fucking hungry.

it ain't right.

2007-01-02T00:26:00.000-08:00

i'm back at it again. its getting on my nerves.

well, atleast sheila gets to be prepared.
heartbreak, yes.
but atleast she know, she is still loved.
atleast there's something when she falls.

i've got nothing.

you know, it fucking hurts.

atleast i've got a sorry.
which don't really heal me.

inside out.

2006-12-31T00:13:00.000-08:00

i don't understand why i can't walk away,
why i have to stay, to listen to something i think i didn't do wrong
its not stubborness, its just that i think i wasn't in the wrong.
i don't think i am cool, i just refuse to speak cause i don't wanna fight
its not that i'm pretending, i really am fucking sick.

this can't go on,
cause every fucked up feeling makes me wanna put that needle through my skin.

so, i'm really a freak.

sometimes, when you say you can, it doesnt mean you really can.
its just something you use to console yourself isn't it?
i kept saying i will and i can get over it fast,
but why am i still here feeling the same way as before?
you're everywhere to me.
maybe cause you're already in me.

help.
a million words just seem as useless as saying nothing.
alright, maybe i'll pretend it helped.

major turmoil.

2006-12-30T00:29:00.000-08:00

i'm a tad happier today.

glad i sent you a msg.
i don't know if you know it,
but thanks, you really make me smile abit.
wish i could tell you nuch more.
i hope things will be fine the way i want it to.
i hope the disc meant something too. =/
i'll continue to fold those stars and i love you.
just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me,
and i can't help it.

i kinda miss my old car.
see, i am a little weird i admit,
but i love everything and anything around me, just abit too easily.
i kept things that was given to me like 7 yrs ago and i can't bear to throw them away.
okay. im a freak.

btw, i've been wearing jacket the whole day.
rah. i don't even know how to tell my mum bout the piercing
i bet she'll freak out.
shits.

2006-12-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

i still can't calm myself down and think.
i can't think.

i feel like sleeping forever, really.
i can't help but rant it out on people,
in the end it still doesnt help.

i'm helplessly waiting for nothing,
for something to happen so i can be happy,
cause sorrow is such a tragedy.

i'm so afraid to take a move.

if i speak, will you hear me?

maybe i should just, talk to you.

i don't know, im so bad at words i might screw things up.

=(((

you're breaking me down so badly.

2006-12-28T01:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever needed somethin' so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?

i don't even know where i should start.

i'm dead though, didn't tell my parents bout the piercing.

feeling the needle going under my skin,
can't be compared to feeling the pain in my heart.
its a little mad for people to see though.
but everything is just making me lose my sanity each time.
rahh.

you got me all fucked up inside today, terribly.
it makes me even more sure that you don't even want to see me.
why, is saying a simple hello that difficult?
you can fucking leave me, you can fucking do anything you want to me, it hurts enough.
why can't you just be normal and talk to me like you would to anyone, just to help me out.
it fucking hurts and i can't get rid of the pain.
avoiding me is the worst way to help me.

friendly match sucked big time.
i felt like i was gonna lose my breath and die
its as if my breathing was restricted.
right, maybe i really gained too much weight.
i didn't know what i was doing on court,
i think i wasn't even doing anything.
a fucking controller who can't dribble past one person.

my heart, my mind, its acting differently and its really tearing me apart.

found out that mel wants to leave sheila.
i got so affected by it, firstly cause i dont want any of my friends to feel the same way i'm feeling now. sucks to see someone getting all upset that way.
i know, i know being with a girl doesn't last. if we could choose love, we wouldn't get hurt at all.
i hated the way you left me, it just doensn't make sense.
up till now, i'm still doubting everything.
atleast sheila gets to be prepared, that makes a whole lot of difference.
being straight is the best, i know it. its just not as easy as it seems.
i dont know how i'm gonna change, but i have to because i promised my mum.
this sucks and i just don't wanna be anything.
i just want to go, let me run somewhere far away even if it means being alone.
i can't take this anymore.

i'll make you the last
its so hard to get by.

i'm fine, i hope.

i hate to say this, but i gotta admit,
i miss you too much.

do you see me?

2006-12-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

i don't know what i'm thinking or doing.
its like my thoughts are everywhere and its haunts me all the time, good or bad.

why are you all slowly leaving?
i don't wanna be alone.

i can't put my words in an orderly, mature level.
thats cause i don't even know what i am thinking.
shits i realise how stubborness kills.
and i've got nothing but stubborness.

so i kept those things i wanted to give to you.
and then i decided to give you only one of it.
the stars, i don't think they'll mean anything to you.
yes, i've been folding them still, everyday, like i promised you those stars will see you through anything and everything.
i wrote two letters. one was completed a month ago.
one i wrote it a few days back, and i never complete it.
i don't dare to give it to you and somehow, i just couldn't complete it.
i just wanted you to know, that i love you more than you know it.
wanted, now its okay if you dont know it.

i so want to runaway from here.
i don't wanna get lost in my own thoughts and go mad because i'm losing it.

i've lost the only one who can save me.

so deep

2006-12-25T23:37:00.000-08:00

its the 25th today. chirstmas.
yesterday was 24th.
why did i even remember the date? =/

it didn't have to be like this.

someday i just feel the pain of losing you
and someday i feel as if everything's gonna be fine.

i don't like it cause its making me feel worse.
i can't take it, i keep falling and falling and things keep catching me off guard.
seriously speaking, i thought you were the nicest person and you were the only one i never had to close my doors on because i thought you will never hurt me.
well, you still are the nicest person but its just a little different.
see why i never dared to msg you anymore
see why i never dared to talk to you online
see why i just wanna run and hide
even if anything was your fault, i'll never blame you.
i'm too afraid to face you even though i'm dying to see you. i don't know why.
i really wish the whole world will stop asking me about you cause..i don't even wanna talk bout it.
its not the usual way i handle things but this time i'm scared cause i can really cry just thinking bout it.
rah. i can't stop thinking about it and its killing me.

stop it, stop it.

i know i am not alone, i know, but i feel alone.
i know there are people i can talk to, but its just not working.
thats cause i live for the wrong reason. i love to live.
and that, is not very good.

talked to my cousin for the whole night.
was telling her how i just wish my parents will understand me a little more.
i really hope they can come and watch me play a very impt match next yr cause i want them to know how impt basketball is, and what the whole team means to me.
that would be good.
i hope they know that im actually living for them, because i want so much to just leave this place seriously.
i just wish they'd know.

i'm living the wrong way.

i dont know anymore.

So deep that it didn’t even bleed and catch me,
Off guard
Red handed; now I’m far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn’t even bleed and catch me.

I need something else
would someone please just give me?
Hit me and knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh all I want inside
I still am empty
So deep that it didn’t even bleed and catch me.

I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
(All that I’ve got)

I guess I remember every glance you shot me
Unharmed, I’m losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn’t even scream Fuck me.

I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
(All that I’ve got)

And it’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got.

So deep that it didn’t even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn’t even scream Fuck me.

I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got.

2006-12-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

i have been giddy for the past few days man.
not enough blood. haha. i think there are more fats deposited thats why the blood have no space so they are like..gone.

great. i am not really sober cause im damn bored i can talk to myself and its like 2 in the morning. im actually talking to people online and talking rubbish.

man, why don't they have angbaos for christmas!?
i am broke and in debts, still.

and i want my stud.
but yay to getting the piercing needles.

i just got no place to vent anymore.
and getting all that out of my system is a need.
i swore off to cutting, and i dont wanna lose more blood.
so piercing. haha. no, i just like it there.
but its so addictive.
and shit i haven't tell my mum yet.
scared.
see, whether i tell or not, i'll do it.
but if i tell, and she dont allow, she'll notice my hand as usual, if i don't she wont but when she finds out im dead.
okay
i am really talking rubbish.

i am so bored i can talk to myself.

lalalalala.

and i fucking miss you.

rascal flatts - what hurts the most.

2006-12-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

i kept hearing that song everywhere
and then those lyrics struck me. =/

i can't believe myself.
i haven't change your name on my phone yet.
and the moment i read the msges, i cried.
couldn't help it! and i didn't even know i will.
that suck hell lot cause i thought i was like halfway over it or something.
back to square one.

who would expect a freaking captain of the team to feel all fucked up inside because of a girl who doesnt love her anymore?

yea. its stupid.

and i really can't comprehend how this whole thing goes.

and i can't explain how this feeling is.
its just so bad.

and i'm so glad i didn't turn up, i'm sure you wouldn't want me to.

2006-12-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

i'm freaking myself out.

i dont feel myself. get it?
never mind.

i don't get it.

why dont you thank me,
i'm saving you the trouble of facing me.

2006-12-21T02:15:00.000-08:00

its like the middle of the night.
i hope i am still sober.
its like the worst time to blog.

i think i've snapped out of being so out of my mind
suddenly thought of some stuff. ohwells.
eh, but i still wanna pierce.
i think its highly addictive. cause that day when i pierced, i felt like piercing my whole arm.
i just realise i haven't ask my mum about it. yes, i don't wanna get killed after piercing it.
oh btw, i asked for the piercing price out of curiousity and its like 100bucks!?
right. i rather do it myself.

this is not good.

i would very much want to tell the whole world that i'm over it and it no longer hurts me like it did.
but no, i'll be such a liar if i do. and thats the last thing i can lie about.
i'm trying, i'm trying.
i think i'm fine alredi anyway. just that, i can't stop thinking about it, and its still hurting me.
its like this whole layer of temporary happiness that is stuck with me, then it slowly goes away..
and the last thing that is there permanantly, is nothing happy and it hurts.
i'll try to make do with those temporary happiness to get me through this.

rahh.
=(

2006-12-20T10:33:00.000-08:00

i gave up man. the hole is too small and its black.
poof. i'm waiting for a piercing needle to come.

so, i haven't been in the right mind lately.
well, everyday since then.

christmas is making me feel guilty.
bbq later and i havent get stuffs for everyone yet.
i'm like financially disabled. =/
man. the idea of robbing a bank is gone cause i dont have an accomplice. lol.

i'm bored now.
and yay its not raining today, hopefully, tonight too.

i think i should do something about my brother.
he doesnt like going out and he spends his time playing com or watching tv.
i dont know what he wants man.
spoke to him and he sounds..bad.
as in, he said everything is nothing kinda thing..
rah.
nvm. i dont know how to put this man.
its just bad and i'm like his freaking sister but i can't do anything
i think he is upset but i dont know how to get to him. =/
i hope he doesnt do anything like me.

okay i'm hungry.
food!

2006-12-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

last night was like hell
they got crazy for i dont know what

i couldn't sleep at all.
and this is what anger did to me..

they drove me mad too.
the stupid pin wasn't even sharp enough.
it took me 20 minutes to do this properly.
the hole is too small i think a earstick can't fit. =/

i think i wasn't in the right mind.
rahhh. i'm going off to see if i can fit the earstick.

2006-12-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

so i'm back after dinner, in hopes of feeling better.

i feel bad now.

seriously, i should have tried harder to look for a god damn job.
dont know why, but this month seems harder to pass.
i have a huge debt to return. well, its not huge but its here and there.
that feeling sucks cause i hate owing people money and i can't ask for money.
its not like i want money for myself now, just that, i don't know why, this month the whole family seems to be tied down by all the bills.
=/
and i feel so guilty everytime i step out of the house.
i'm like the major money spender. rahh.
you know i hate to say this but i just don't know why the money disappear so fast, until the whole house have no money. my piggybank should just die and my bank account should just close down.
its how depressing when i check them. =/
i have a major urge to rob the bank now.
i feel damn bad really.
=(
i'm scared to ask for money. blah. i'm such a sinner.
i know my parents don't have enough and all but!..
=(
i really feel like robbing a bank.
wait. anyone wants to hire me? i can be your professional body guard or i can play ball with you the whole day.
thats how useful i am. =/
rahhhhhhhh.
its so bad i can't even get my phone cover.
pui.
i'm not even looking forward to christmas.

=/

2006-12-18T02:46:00.000-08:00

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?
My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

just kill me.

the rain makes me unhappy,
plus all the sad sad song and the bus ride that seemed so long,
man i couldn't help crying.
i think its the stress too.
*nods*

i've been like craving to watch that's so raven, the suite life of zac and cody, totally spies.
cheap thrills that cracks me up.

lack of sleep = headaches = killing me.

i seriously wonder where my friends are
everyone's been abandoning me last minute.
thats not the point.
the point is i can't talk to some of them the way i used to.
alright, maybe cause i haven't been telling anyone anything,
neither can i be bothered to.

rahhhhhhhhhh

i don't know why i don't feel like talking about it
funny thing is i'll wanna cry just thinking about it
its queer, not the usual me i know.
and i just wanna get it over and done with.

Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what
I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go
Hurt again 'cause of my curiousity
Now that it's over
What else could it be

and i'm ~~not~~ missing you.

=//

2006-12-17T07:58:00.000-08:00

This is ten percent luck,
Twenty percent skill,
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
Five percent pleasure,
Fifty percent pain,
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name

i love this song's video.
the bball stuffs are fucking cool.

help me figure out
why it doesn't go away

2006-12-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

one long post was gone thanks to this screwed up computer.

so anyway, met up with two idiots. stace and uni, after my cip which was already quite late.

met stace first and the moment i met her we had to run.
thats cause we didn't wanna be sheila and mel's lightbulb,
and sheila was doing don't know what to mel.

so we walked to some ulu part of town and had my dinner at subway.
the whole place was empty but filled with stace's laughter, imagine that.
walked to another ulu hotel just so stace could see her hot cousin. -.-
she had to walk me back to forum to meet uni cause i can't really see at night, and uni's eyes were swollen. stupid.
so we walked and laughed like mad on our way to find a place to sit down.
bought a drink from 7-11, something happened but i shan't elaborate.
sat down somewhere outside taka and we started laughing.
i think i laugh until i forgot the time, thus me missing my last train home.
oh mummy was nice, she gave me chocolate with alcohol and i laughed even more.
so i walked her home and seriously, the journey was fucking long.
fucking made us want to cry cause we talked bout so many things.
we were just going mad, laughing cause we're upset, thats like our big "get over it" plan.
alright, i swear if she ever walk alone in the middle of the night, she'll get rape.
anyway, i am fucking broke now.
i had to borrow money to cab home.

what a nice way to spend christmas. and then with me as a captain, bball is more broke than ever. thats cause we were so used to having rachel as the basketball fund. lol.

how now brown cow?
see its the first time i'm trying so hard but its not working. =/
and then the worse thing that can happen is to be able to sit here and do nothing.
i rather something to do, anything at all, as long as it stops hurting.
still i have to say, its just fucking unfair.
see, i took so long to get over a bitch who played me out and i wasn't even together with,
imagine how long this is gonna take, the thought of it scares me.
this is fucking sad.
why does it happen during christmas? =/ its seriously damn sad la.
and then i didn't even tell anyone till today, cause no one would believe you'd say those words.
yea. i don't even feel like talking about it.
its easy for you luh.
i guess lucky you never had to go through this much of pain or sorrows cause you never had to get upset over relationships.
this is driving me crazy.
maybe if you felt a little upset over this, maybe if you showed that you care, maybe if you talked to me the way you should, maybe i wouldn't be so upset.
its fucking selfish you know.
but its not your fault.
blame me for trusting you more than anyone, thinking that you'll never hurt me.
if only i was someone who gets over things faster..
rah.
maybe mummy was right, even if i talk to you the way i talk to everyone else, you'll still have your guard against me.
man, i just want things to be normal, normal enough for me to believe everything is fine and the pain is gone.
=/

okay. i'm feeling better.

i want a fucking new phone please.

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

2006-12-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

I just wanna break you down so badly.
Well I trip over everything you say.
Well I just wanna break you down so badly.
In the worst way.

this song makes me wanna shout and scream.

so i'm in a relatively good mood.
i think it was cause of my baby brother.
he's like learning how to walk and all.
still, i can feel the pain.

let's not talk about me.

i always wonder what life is and then today i thought of it again seeing this old lady pushing a cart with unwanted things on the road and almost got banged down by a car.
i know i haven't learnt to treasure my own life yet but seeing others makes me wonder if they ever treasure theirs.
while i witness the whole incident, i was just thinking, why is she doing that when she's already so old? she should be enjoying her life now.
even with no relation to me, i still felt the heartache looking at her.
man, i ever thought of being a social worker, maybe cause i don't really treasure my own life the way i should, so i rather waste my time on others who needs help.
hah. i'm making myself sound so great. lol.
btw, i hate people who discriminate the elderly.
they ought to be slapped.

okay. so all my random thoughts came today.

i feel like cycling again. i'm such a freak. haha.
cycling with my brother and two other cousins yesterday.
gosh, i think cycling alone is still safer.
thanks to me, my brother lost control and cycled to the grass and almost bang into this huge tree. he got like cuts on his leg. =/
we cycled all the way to this far far end of eastcoast and then it started raining. hahaha. funny.
but it was nice cycling in the rain.
so we cycled back and it stopped raining for awhile.
my brother banged into this girl who was cycling too and she flew.
luckily she was fine. my clumsy brother started bleeding cause he got some weird cut on his finger.
seriously i felt like such a jinx. see everytime i'm alone something happens, and when i'm with someone, they'll get all the unlucky shit.
hurrr.
so we returned the bikes and walked to macs cause it was raining.
decided to bowl cause we were bored and it was the nearest place with entertainments.
bowling beside some ahpeks who were obviously much pro-er than us. hah.
i realise i'm damn luo suo, okay, enough.
bottom line : chow is broke.
yea i'm really an asshole this time.
no christmas present for anyone cause i only got ten cents.
boo.

my eye is swollen. =/

what have i done wrong

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I, I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
Cause nothing's going right and
Everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

2006-12-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

Everytime I try to take a stand at all
I see your face again and I fall

this is such a torture i rather find a way to die.

see, i just don't know why i'm still hurting

feel my blood running down your fingers
and you'll see how my heart cried.

2006-12-13T06:35:00.000-08:00

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

i thought i was geting on fine

i merely said i didn't mean it that way and i got shout at in public
and i wasn't allowed to shed a tear.
ouch daddy.

see i've got a happy family but somehow they always hurts me unknowingly.
it hurts so fucking much it just piles up and start killing me.

god i'm hurting, would you just take my heart out?
this pain is too much for me i feel so weak.

2006-12-12T06:11:00.000-08:00

those simple words hit so hard
~~they turned my whole world upside down~~

i finally understand.
no matter how nice someone is, when it comes to love, its a fucking different thing.

man those words stabbed me right through
but its okay. i'm fine.
i think spending time alone makes me know what i'm doing
and what i should be doing even after all the bad things that happened today. -.-

see i've got no time for this.
its just a phase and i'll be over it in no time.

yes, i do love you still, hell lot.
i can't say i don't cause then i won't be facing what i should
i think i've got my sanity back.
its hard but i know i'll get through it.

all these words, i'm finally saying them to myself.
maybe a little everyday will help though it sounds rather stupid.
see its not that bad to cry as long as i feel good.

i'll learn how to be more selfish so i can be happy
cause this fucking world is so unfair.

2006-12-11T08:46:00.000-08:00

you know how i hate being shout at
so stop shouting at me damn it.

let me go just for a day please,
i need my peace.

cause since then its been hurting till now
and it just wouldn't stop

2006-12-11T06:26:00.000-08:00

剩下沒多少時間　
讓我再唱一首歌　給妳　
一過了今夜　
世界就毀滅
我想我還有一天　
可以學會如何來　愛妳　
在來不及以前　
渴望來得及

閉上眼睛　忍住淚　別哭泣　
末日前夕　請留在　我懷裡
看　太陽暗去　月光失明　
我只想牽妳的指尖　
繞地球最後一圈

黑夜降臨　別害怕　我愛妳　
末日前夕　請留在　我懷裡
我　在這世界最眷戀的事情　就是曾擁抱妳
多想永遠擁抱妳
感受到什麼在劇烈顫抖　
是天空或者妳的手
別讓任何事情打斷我看著妳　
最後一次看著妳

if i say i give up

training was shit but maybe it was my fault.
i could have make them do something instead of slack their ass off.
alright. i was lazy and not concentrating.
but looking at the number of people, its a little disheartening.

the cip thing was annoying. cancelling it at the very very last minute.

i was pisssed with the whole world. hah.
i called and called but no one picked up my phonecall, or either that no one wanted to keep me company. =/
its as if the world died.
and then i got home and tried to sleep.
i ended up crying away cause of previous phonecall that make me think and think..
okay. i don't know.
i'm afraid.

rah. scold more please. cause i haven't been facing it the way i should. i know what i should be doing. see i've make sense out of scoldings.
being friends is a good thing but i don't know how to start cause i know it'll be very much easier for you if i don't appear in your life again.

see how contradicting it is

what goes around ~~comes around.~~

i'm shutting all doors.

i don't mind crying every night as long as i'm fine in the day
and i'll be fine someday.

2006-12-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

this battle of the heart and mind, i'll end up being my own victim.

freak i just found another bruise, on my face this time. stupid, i really hate stc now.
i think they should just open a fighting club since they are closing down basketball or something i heard.

rah. i'm like itching again.

why is everyone making me do things for them
and i can never say no
you know what, i give up. i'll do anything and everything for you
don't fucking threaten me with things that you know don't work.
i like it this way, the way i am.

i know, everyone is surprised.

i can't go on like this.

don't go. i'll go on my knees.

rah. maybe you don't even want to talk to me.

rahhh. someone just talk to me now
someone just knock me out.

i know i know, you've not exactly gone through it before.
see, i don't even know what its all about. i just feel pain inside.
especially when you have to go through it so many times, thinking it'll be over, it comes again.
and then you can't do anything about it cause you realise that no one actually wants to be with you afterall..

god.

how come it seems to me that loving someone so much means hurting yourself and then you realise you can't do anything besides loving more.

okay. bear with me. this happens all the time and i'll be there trying to make sense out of whatever i can.

2006-12-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

i've lost count of the time and date, that i've been blogging more than ever.

my indecisiveness kills.

just last night when i was in my bed, i thought i could just let it go and then keep a friendship i don't wanna lose.

the next moment i can't take it and decided maybe not.

help.

this is really tiring and killing the whole of me.

2006-12-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

they were right.

i should pretend everything's fine so i won't make you feel bad.

even when you were ready to fall
it still hurts more than you know it.

and still, i have to go on, living in that vicious cycle again.

goodnight.

2006-12-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

it feels so bad to know that there are people who are still stuck in their own childish thoughts and when you try to do something you get bang right smack in the face.

i don't know why but i kept thinking about the whole match against stc from ytd till now.
i think jiaolian is great. i remembered everything she said when i was on court.
and that kind of pushed all my fears aside and i built that one bit of confidence that meant alot to me.
god i love jiaolian so much please. she gave me a keychain and she wrote miracle on it.
how cute.
and then after the match, i thought maybe i was wrong. we might be able to make it somewhere.
i rememebered this great mistake i made before, giving up on a match before i played it..
and the whole team actually gave up too.
so now i know how i should give the team the most confidence i can give cause we can do it.

besides all these..juniors are just..not grown up yet.
i don't care if you want to be rude to me, just give jiaolian the respect please.
shit i should be saying this on the other blog but nvm. i'll just get it off my chest here.
god, just do something about what she said and stop brooding over the 'getting scolded' part.
i'm glad not all the juniors are like that.

i feel like killing stc.
now my whole body has got blueblacks all over and its ugly.
and my rib hurts when i talk. damn weird.
my knees are hurting and i don't know why. i think its the weight i have to carry when landing after a jump.
lets see..i think i've injured every part of my body before. -.-
or maybe besides the shoulders.
shit i'll look dumb wearing like ankle and knee guard on the same leg.
i remember doing something dumb when i was primary one and then i kind of broke my wrist.
haha. not really broke but there was a huge crack. lol.
anyway, i'm getting excited for the upcoming matches.
will you ever watch me play?

=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=(=(=(=(=(=(=(=(=(=(=(=(

you're back and i'm still waiting

was clearing my room and i just had to read those letters.

what happened to "i'll stick with you till then"?

afterall its all my fault. come on, there's no need to figure out how to face me,
cause i'm the one who messed it up.

have i said those words too much
that you were afraid i'll run out of them

2006-12-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

friendly match tml and i'm scared.
i don't know if i'm afraid to lose, or i'm afraid to play.
i think its both.
why am i even terrorised by a little friendly match that means nothing much?
worse is i can't even show that i am cause i can't let the rest feel the same.
and no matter how good i am during practice, i know i can't bring it out the same way.

thats it. if i lose focus, i'll lose control of the ball.

rah.
chow focus and get it right.

2006-12-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

i feel like sleeping and staying home but no my mum make me bring my cousins out.
never mind, i'm always like some maid to them, when they need me to take care of kids, i must be there.

last night was crap
i toss and turned on my bed for an hr and i couldn't get to sleep.
so i stole some white rum and mixed it with something
and i stupidly didn't mix it properly.
i think it tasted like white rum only and when i drank it my throat was burning.
hahah.
but then again i had such a nice sleep.
i swear i had a nightmare.
i dreamt that you met me and we had heated arguements and you walked off insisting on going and i was left alone at some ulu place.

rach says dreams don't come true, but thats like a freaking nightmare, maybe it'll come true.
i shall pray it won't then.

okay, i think i sounded like some 6 yrs old kid trying to tell mummy that she's got a nightmare and she's scared.

i miss jane tan.
she was always the one who taught me how to get over stuff and she was always there to listen to me.
funny how she knows everything and how i trust her so much.
can't wait for her to be back!

okay, i think i should go look after kids now. =/

2006-12-06T01:53:00.001-08:00

i'm so fucking fucked up
and fucking boredom is killing me

what the fuck is wrong with this place
people reacting the wrong way, people not taking others into consideration

gosh i just fucking want to sleep now
and i don't know what fucking shit is keeping me awake

alright. enough of the fucks, i think i'm cooler this way.
hahaha.

im so bored and that gives me more time to think.

someone just msged me telling me about how the one she loves doesnt really want to accept her birthday present
and i know how that sucks
and i feel bad for being a lousy asshole who can't comfort someone well
i don't think i'm making her feel better
sorry
i really hope she won't get all upset over it.
=/

rahh. i want to sleep but i can't.
and thus i'm playing guitar in the middle of the night,
which is not a very good thing.
hur.

why is my mum fucking my life up more than usual?
=/
no more fucks. i was just pissed.

rahhh. someone talk to me please
if not i'll die drowning in my own thoughts.

2006-12-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

2006-12-06T01:46:00.000-08:00

more than fucked up.

this feeling is wearing me out

come back home

i'm such a loser
i don't even know when you're back and i didn't even know when you were away
hah.
i don't even know if you're still mine
well, let me be in my own world where you'll be with me wherever i go

its not that i want to be stupid
i just love you so bad it makes me all screwed up inside now.
don't you understand?
its hard for me to even say forget it.

i think i've lost the last person i can tell everything to
now i'm just left here to rant on my own and feeling all fucked up by myself.

this is really bad.
have i ever told anyone how afraid i am to stand on the court
cause i've lost it somehow
i can't focus
i can't concentrate
i can't do what i am suppose to do
i end up letting jiaolian down
i am that afraid to be on the court,
playing what i am best at
cause i am afraid to fall
and i'm afraid of myself even more
i'll just keep pretending i have the best skills in the world,
and that i have all the confidence in the world
maybe i'll be better off that way

this rectangle looking place that i used to run to whenever i'm down,
makes me feel even lonelier now when i think of you.

i don't know why
its like image of us flashing in my head non stop
creating inner turmoil
i can't go anywhere cause you're everywhere i see
i remembered balling with you and i really miss you so.
=/

rah. i think i can't hold it down anymore

i'll go wherever you will go

2006-12-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

i just thought of someone randomly
and her msg came.
that makes me happy cause i won't have to stay home the whole day.
and i'm starting to think of what mich said..

maybe.

thats if we are meant to be.
but i never believe in anything near this.

after all these words,
i lie awake..
in hopes of moving on
i was fucking wrong
its just a coverup.

i've been staring at my phone the whole day

rah.

i need some happy pills

2006-12-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

Who would've thought that you could hurt me
the way you've done it
so deliberate, so determined
and since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
and question my own questions on and on...

So tell me now, tell me now
why you're so far away
when I'm still so close...

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm Sorry"
you said you would love me until you die
and as far as I know you're still alive, baby
and you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm Sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive
a woman's heart...

I tried so hard to be attentive
to all you wanted
always supportive, always patient
what did I do wrong?
been wondering for days and hours
it's clear it isn't here where you belong...

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along...

Open heart, open heart
it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart...

i like this song.

this is bad.
i'm starting to think i have weird mentality.
oh maybe some rare disorder.
its either too extreme or nothing at all,
as in, the things i do at times.

gees.

i was really trying to make myself busy at the chalet since so few helped.
and i was trying to make myself real drunk.
and sometimes when i train, i will continue playing until i drop dead.
and after that i won't eat for a few days..

its like some sudden extreme habits.
hahaha.

i thought it'll help me in some ways or another.
and i thought i couldn't multi-task,
yet when i'm do something or anything at all,
i can still think of it.

its as if i know i'll fall yet i can't stop it,
or i can never be ready to fall.

rah. i dont feel like typing or saying whatever i feel cause its everywhere.
and i just want to sleep till i die.
what a nice death.

its sad to know that there isn't anyone to listen now
listen with no complaints and know what i'm thinking.

this lonliness with a thousand people around.

2006-12-01T09:11:00.000-08:00

all my thoughts are like stuck in my brain,
trying to come out unwillingly.
i don't know how to put my thoughts down in words.
its hard.

i think i can stay up the whole night just thinking about my own life
and everything i can think of.

i don't know what this feeling is.
i'm feeling peaceful yet upset and just a little bit of anger inside.
god, that sounds as if i'm dying.

great, someone just took away my peaceful and quiet time with myself.

i never knew it hurts to know that you don't trust me somehow.
i just realised, that all that scars i had was because of you and not who i thought it was.
cause when times were hard, you made it harder for me i can hardly catch my breath.
even now, i hear you shouting at me.
it seems as though i have wonderful parents, in fact, family.
maybe i do, but i am such a sucker i don't think i'll be grateful for it.
see dad, everytime you shout, i pretend not to hear so i won't retaliate, so i won't hurt you.
its not that i am not listening. i do and it is painful sometimes.
you didn't even believe that i had a headache.
it was just..disappointing and ridiculous.
that was alright cause i didnt really bother and went to sleep.
i needed that.
i just don't see what is wrong with the way i sat.
even if it was wrong, couldn't you say it in a nicer way?
"you think you can do whatever you want and i can't stop you?"
"you think i don't dare to stop you?"
whats with all these words dad?
you know i am stubborn and i know you are too.
i am trying to give in and you're making it harder.
when did i ever say you can't stop me anyway.
sometimes you make me hate staying home.
won't you ever understand?

i think i'm suppose to be a a kid with no troubles and all i need to do is please you.

i'm sorry, i am not up to it just yet.

i hate myself, i really do.
why can't i be stronger

cause all i can do it sit and cry
and thats all i have

i'm losing this hope i had,

losing this defence from pain

even till this last breath i took

it hurts.

2006-11-29T09:32:00.000-08:00

i'm dying to pierce my arm
i'm dying to feel something
alright. i admit it its just to take the place of cutting
i can't pick that blade anymore. those scars are too ugly.

oh fuck them all.

i see the floor moving. hahaha. i think i need to sleep.
i have weird body, giving me weird signals when its time to sleep.

anyway, i was just reading and reading..
seeing them all so sweet..it kind of make my heart aches with envy,
and it makes me wanna ~~cry~~die.
i'm over the crying part.
its the dying part, i need to do something about it.

i can't wait for that one glance of you.

2006-11-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

i was thinking bout so many things a few days before, hoping that by now, i should be feeling better in anyway. but no, its worse than i thought.

firstly, on friday, i didn't have any alarm clock so i woke up at like 9 when guan called my house.
i started crying my way to school cause i had the keys to the ballcage and everyone was waiting for me.
i wasn't scared to get scoldings but i just thought that i wasn't responsible enough to be a captain and how am i suppose to face the juniors.
mrs nics didn't scold me, quite fascinating. hah.
i felt guilty towards jiaolian and she was still nice enough to comfort me.
i think i am the first captain ever to do this kinda things.

thats kind of besides the point.
but it was quite a bad experience.

grad night.
hah. i don't know if i should laugh or i should cry.

i took like hell lot of trouble to borrow the vcds,
to make the cd and card, and i spoilt the laptop cause of that.
thats not the point.

i planned everything.

i thought i'll get to sit down and talk to you but i didn't.
i know you were busy i know you didn't really want to talk to me either.
i waited and waited just to end up waiting more.
and then i started thinking bout it and i cried.
why do i always end up waiting and crying?

you can wait but i can't.
i know you have never gone through what i'm feeling but it just sucks.
it doesnt matter if you know what trouble i've gone through to get things done nicely for you,
it doesnt matter as long as i get to talk to you, but i didn't and it feels really bad knowing you don't even want to talk.
you contradicted yourself.
and i tried to figure out what was right to do.
was it wrong to want to spend time and not neglect you?
i felt that you didn't want it.
so i moved, just a bit, and you told me i didn't care.
so what am i suppose to do?
if you told me the way you wanted it, i would.

so everything ended as if it was my fault.
it was anyway.

every little fucking thing was my fault.
for everything i didn't do.
its just not fair.
four times and i am always the one waiting and hurting.
i didn't mind waiting or hurting, but i end up with nothing.
four times, and each time i loved more and i fell harder.
great.

okay. i'm feeling better.

right. i'm dying inside.
why. just talk to me please. so i'll be fine.

each time i'm asking you to stay,
you took one step further away.

2006-11-21T09:27:00.000-08:00

i think i am blogging like three times a day.
hah. never mind. i think i am doing it in hopes of trying to make myself feel better.

i am going mad listening to jap and korean song for some reason.
that is so not me. but well, its quite nice.

i miss the seniors' seniors.
saw kim and connie today.
=))
i want to see sunlu and joan.
=/

okay. its one plus and i need to wake up for training.
i am really lazy to but i have to.
nights.

i miss you so bad
till it starts stabbing me
right through my heart
and reminded me of how i didn't do enough

and this time is moving
faster and faster
you are moving further and further

still,
i'm coming after you.

2006-11-21T05:56:00.000-08:00

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you,
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space?

talk to me and give air to my heart.

i am really helplessly waiting.

no, i won't touch those blades again.

i shall sing!
RAHHHH

2006-11-20T19:39:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

i am bored.
stace is gonna bring me to town again.
this is crazy.
i want to go somewhere else please.
i want to cycle.

someone wants to give me her bike but my mum dont allow me to cycle it home.

annoying shit.

if you ever notice, i am really beginning to think my mum is becoming more and more unreasonable.
okay sometimes i want things my way. but those things are not wrong.

tml's wednesday.
apparently i was suppose to go out with bballers. to kbox thanks to grace's idea.
but i dont want to go anymore. and i don't know how to tell them cause i never miss out any of the bballer's outing.
i think i'll be spending too much money.
and my mum haven't even pay my phonebill. and i actually got a huge scolding for that.
like i can afford to pay. -.-
its alright if she can't see that i am trying to do something bout things,
its okay cause afterall i don't do a very good job being someone she wants me to be.

its sad how i have to type everything here
if my cousin reads anything i think she'll just tell my mum.
hur hur. all the bugs planted around me.

i want to ball.
surprisingly my body ain't aching at all from ytd's training.
all the workout in the gym, i think i won't have a chance of growing taller. =/

okay. maybe i should go change or something.
dont wanna let that idiot wait.
byeeeee.

2006-11-20T07:09:00.000-08:00

i looked around
they stuck by each other
and i'm left here to suffer
under my own love
sometimes i wonder
why it happens
i can't help but cry
cause i know it was real
but i know i can't deny
the fact that was here
the fact that i wasn't
any bit enough
to put those pieces
right back where they were
so i could spend sometime
just wasting my time
with you.
i just want to love you.

i want to cry
i need to cry

mummy don't make me hate you.

2006-11-20T05:54:00.000-08:00

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I'm doin' It

It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and

I'm alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

its scary how i've lost.

i know i am not mature enough. i very much wish i can be someone else.

i was just reading someone's blog and how that person really speak adult words, that made me think and feel.
i actually love reading her blog.
i admire how she is always sober no matter how much pain she's got to take.
and everytime i speak to her she makes me feel better.
somehow the things she say makes me feel much better than talking to an adult.
i dont know, she might be lonelier than me, feeling much more pain than me,
but she takes it better than me. in a way, she alot greater than people i know.
i wish i can speak to her now. but no, its just weird. hah.
she saw us training today though!
man i miss balling with her.
okay, i make it sound like i know her very well.
actually, the things she say speaks alot about her.
i wonder if she ever know that i actually "stalk" her blog or something. lol.
mitch!
=)) i think i look up to her in a way.
i think i need her words to drill into my brains.

chow you have been through this before, this time its just a little teeny bit worse.
come on, get it over and done with.

oh what a way to comfort myself.

training today was alright.
18 rounds around one bball court. thats not alot.
but i almost died.
rahh. i felt bad. jiaolian was upset i guess.
i think we'll never make it anywhere with the rate we do things and how people dont even turn up for training.
yea. a captain saying that. thats like half the battle lost, but its a FACT.
rahh. chill chow. okay, atleast jiaolian knows how much i want to play a good match and not regret.
i love her pls!

okay. i think i am draining myself.
i need to make myself tired so i won't think.
i need to stop thinking so i won't feel.
i need to stop feeling so there won't be pain.

i think i need to sleep. my head is hurting.

and each night i taste the purest of pain.

2006-11-19T07:57:00.000-08:00

i'm back.
somehow talking to people doesnt seem to have much effect on me.
i want to entertain myself so i wont think and i can't feel.
but nothing is working.

i totally got a shock and really hated myself cause i realise its all my fault.
i didn't know that a msg to say goodluck will mean anything. i thought i'll be disturbing you instead.
wrong thinking. no, i am stupid.
i really really waited and waited hoping your o's will be over.
and when its over, you said its over.
i am too stunned to even react.
why can't i just have just a while more with you?
i need it so bad.
i remembered everything we said..
going to eat, going to shop, going to do everything.
and remember how you said you just want to be with me
and how we had breakfast and we took a train together
i remembered everything

i am so desperate to go and look for you now.
if not for your parents.
god i feel like telling them how much i love you and please let me be with you.

i am such a loser.

really.

at the end of it all no one actually wants to be with me
i rather die then be almost dead.

2006-11-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

i tried to hard to distract myself from thinking.
but i can't.

and i've figured out how unfair things have been.
why did god make me love someone so much and then make her leave me?
and why didn't god help me to let go and stop the pain?
why? i have never ever played someone out.
everytime i love, i give my all.
why? look at those who played me out, they are happily with their loved ones.

i rather not get hurt and become stronger cause after that, when something bad happens, i feel more pain that before.

its the first time i begged someone till i will go down on my knees.
its the first time i love someone so much i am so lost.
and as usual, i can't let go.

i am so sorry.

i can't even let you feel better.
i just can't let go.

i think you mean too much.

2006-11-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

i hope i am more sober now and i hope i make sense.

i think its either i'm too stupid or too guilible.
it happens everytime and i still didnt watch it. how can i fall the same way all the time?
why am i the one falling and then i end up getting almost killed.
almost, thats worse than getting killed.
i thought i would give it a shot cause i thought it won't hurt the way it did.

i'm sitting here with nowhere to go.
i want to be with you
i want you to be here
i never thought i needed to come back to this place anymore

i think i brought everything upon myself

i'm a sinner.

this house is driving me mad.

2006-11-18T07:44:00.000-08:00

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you'are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you'are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

why?